Currently unable to sleep and unable to shake it.

I feel like I have fallen away from it some, and this blog definitely will, but it is probably a good thing for me to address, at least to myself.

I feel like when I started this blog it was not only an update for my family so they could check in on me, and so I could let them know how I am doing each day without having to be in direct contact with one another, but also a chance for me to address my state of mind. I feel like I started this blog when there were, more often than not, less than positive or optimistic feelings filling my head, and I wanted to use this blog as a reason to think of positive things and experiences that happened to me each day, because those are what I could go back and read about, and if there were any petty negativities from the day, they would in time disappear, leaving only the positive memories.

As this may seem ridiculous to some it has been filling my mind for days. I have been wondering if I would notice bunnies so much if I hadn’t adopted Dill. I can’t remember the last one I saw before I adopted her, but I can remember everyone I have seen since.

Leaving the grocery store the other evening Rhet and I saw a bunny hopping across the road. A larger white bunny with black ears, black spots down its back and black eyes, very similar to the ones my mom’s friend is trying to find a home for, looking very much not like a feral bunny. We pulled to the side of the road and watched it hop along for a little bit before leaving. Yes, we have been having our hands full with one new bunny in a new house, if I were to get out of the car and chase a bunny down the street what would we do with it anyhow? We were new to town (our first trip to the grocery store), Dill hadn’t settled into the new house yet, where would I put a stranger bunny? and there were a million other grown up reasons running through my head, stopping me from jumping out of the car and trying to catch this cute spotted bunny.

But it continued to linger on in my mind that I should have done something other than leave it. A day or so later I checked the local classifieds and read back through the weeks, reassuringly or maybe not reassuringly to find out that no one was missing this bunny. I hadn’t seen any posters, and I hadn’t seen the bunny again, and I was sure it was time to give my mind a rest about it. I continued to ponder maybe it was a house bunny that had gotten loose a long time ago and now was an outside bunny…, but it was too hard to speculate whether it was someone’s house bunny or not since I hadn’t tried to talk to it and see if it was trying to find its home.

Sunday I walked town to run some errands, and on the way from town to the grocery store lays my black and white bunny on the side of the sidewalk, dead.

I am feeling like this situation shouldn’t be this sad or feel traumatizing in any way, but I am just so sad. Not only is this little bunny dead, but I didn’t even see if he wanted some help. And not only is it on the main road through town, but it is on the part of the road I have to take to work, so whether I walk on the other side of the street or drive by, the bunny is all I see. Just big white and fluffy, in an otherwise completely dreary, rainy, gray part of town, lying right on the side of the side walk.

I don’t even know what I would prefer to happen at this point, or what would make me feel better. Do I wish it would be removed? Feels selfish to even think that should change how I feel. Do I think burying it would make me feel better? I am unsure; I know that burial is a typical, proper, closure-ish type of thing. Do I wish I had the same impulse I had as a child that would have been out of the car catching the bunny, and thinking about what to do with it later? You bet.

I know there is no right answer. I just know I am still sad about it.

    • JAnet thorpe
    • May 3rd, 2011

    Sorry for the black fluffy bunny death. A burial will probably help your state of mind. Unfortunately as a adults we end up making decisions on how our limited resources-time. money and energy- are stretched. You did not make the wrong decision at the time. Your willingness, upon reflection to seek this bunny out, is just more evidence to me of your loving heart. The bunny’s death and prior living situation are all a big question of circumstances, but a pause to determine if you could properly assist this bunny was not a contributing factor. Say a prayer from me for the bunny when he gets buried.

    It must have been pretty cool to live free in Alaska.

    Love you

    Aunt J

    • Mum
    • May 3rd, 2011

    So, I guess you didn’t have a great day.

    I’ll never forget the time I came into your room when you were about 10 to kiss you good night. You were on the top bunk. You were crying and I asked you what was wrong. You said, ‘I didn’t have a great day.’ And then you went on to cry about every person you knew and every pet you had that had died.

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